It Just Comes Around September 17, 2006
Posted by Mayee in : Daily Babble , trackbackI have been awfully down these last couple of days. Seeing as I have not passed my MP, I am so behind on Eng11 reading, and I’m not really faring well in any of my other classes, PLUS, my life just doesn’t seem to have the same “oomph” to it.
There are some times when I space out (more often, of course, when I am alone in my dorm room, or here at home) that I just think about things.. all sorts of things.. people, events in my life, the good, the bad.. everything. And right now I’m adjusting to the fact which I realized a few days ago, that I have a problem with committing. No, this is not romantic-relationship drama, this is life drama. See, I find myself promising people things that, in the end, I find I am unable to deliver… my time, my effort, or even tangible things. I always back-out at the last minute. I DO try to change that as much as I can. I can’t find the drive to keep it up though. Palagi na lang akong tinatamad, parang wala nang reason para mabuhay at mag-effort. I know I have to figure out a way to get rid of this horrid habit of mine, I just don’t know when I’ll get enough courage to take a deep breath and say “hey, today’s the day! I’ll change today!” It just doesn’t seem possible. Or is it just me.. :P
Everything with me seems fleeting. Even emotions are fleeting. I wouldn’t really call it having mood swings (though I wouldn’t really know what to call it otherwise). I’m happy at one time, and then I just suddenly remember something that makes me space out and snap back to a really gray feeling. I hate it. People around would just wonder what happened, why I’m suddenly just blank. I honestly can’t comprehend the weirdness of my personality. Even with people, my attitude toward them is temporary. One moment I’m liking being with this person, then suddenly I find reasons to just despise them, if not just slightly disliking being with them. I’d sometimes want to scream at myself for being so random and unpredictable. I want order in my life, some certain routine, pattern, something! Spontaneity is not something I am big on. I hate it. I hate the fact that I cannot tell what I will be feeling in the next few minutes, about something.. about someone.. aargh.
I guess that’s why sometimes I just shut up completely. I wouldn’t know what to say. Communication is not really my strength. Yeah, I do babble on about lots of things to my friends, my roommates, to my family, but for me it’s just not “communicating”. Sometimes my words seem so empty, so meaningless.. they’re just storytelling.. the act of relating events. And nothing in it really tells them who I AM. Plus I don’t see the sense of talking about something I know the other party won’t be interested in. And if for some reason I am with someone I have absolutely nothing in common with, then what’s the sense of starting conversation anyway? That’s mostly why I enjoy the company of someone I can just be with. No talking needed. Even when there’s silence, it’s not awkward. I miss that kind of thing with some of my friends from my earlier years.. I mean, when we were kids, playing some toy with someone else did not require speech. Maybe that’s why kids stay friends longer than older people can keep commitments. But for me, I want that kiddie thing again.
And speaking of kids, I want to be one again. Problem free, stress free, free to just play all day not worrying about anything, about anyone. But that’s just wishful thinking. And I will now snap back to reality.. The reality that life sucks.
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