It’s an Art October 23, 2007
Posted by Mayee in : Daily Babble , trackbackAfter spending a good few hours intoxicating myself with the addictive pleasure of doing absolutely nothing productive, I find myself once again facing a cliff of insurmountable height.
My stomach has turned on me and is succesfully fooling me into thinking I am in an roller coaster looping without end. My head has gone berzerk in pain from thinking about too many things all at once.
I keep thinking why I endure all this when at a moments notice I can end it all, though not by suicide, by which people condemn themselves to an eternity’s sentence for being nothing more than a petty murderer. I can end it all by just walking away from it.
I think about other people’s lives and find a common source of unhappiness… being unable to free themselves from that which causes them more torment that ranges from slightly tolerable to humanly unimaginable. My life is no different. I long so much to liberate myself from all causes of sadness and hurt. But to do such a thing would not make sense in this world. Because people are judged on how they can withstand obstacles, on how they can hold on to their sanity.
But then again it’s exactly why people are all miserable in this world. Despite all accomplishments, the material things people have achieved, there’s always a certain emptiness.
I wonder at what point in my life I’d gone from being able to be genuinely happy to this unimaginable state. I wake up everyday afraid of what I would fail to do, and because of that deprive myself of even trying.
The most common thing I would hear from people is how they envied my happiness. They could seem to see nothing but a smile plastered on my face all the time. Truth is though, that cheap mask of a smile is some sort of trophy I have won from years of mastering the art of pretence as though it were a College degree I was working hard for.
I pretend to be apathetic. I pretend to not care, and not be affected by anything.
Pretence. You spend so much of your life pretending, that you eventually become whatever it is you’re just pretending to be.
Break’s over. Going back to studying Dijkstra’s Algorithm for a exam from hell tomorrow. And crap, my head still hurts like hell.
Comments»
people don’t live because they need to…
people need because they want to live…
…the currency of life comes in those little packets of joy we fight for everyday.
… I bid that you watch that the currency of your life not become the pangs and pains we all seek to avoid. I hope you never start counting in terms of lesser evils.
… there might not always be something to smile about. That’s why it never hurts to remember
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